Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
