just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
