I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
