If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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