Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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