Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
