i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im holly from the hills drunk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
