i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
