My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize