STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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