I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
