Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
