I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
