be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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