Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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