If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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