the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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