Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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