You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
