Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize