i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
