i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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