I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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