allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
