This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
