he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize