Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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