note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Everyone says I win the strip club
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
