I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
