you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
