God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
