dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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