Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
