for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you had me at cake vodka
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
