I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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