That's when you crack a 10am beer
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
