If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
