so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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