In the future we'll all be gay
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just found puke in my bra..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
