The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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