i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
