did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
