Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
