The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
