Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
