So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
