I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
