dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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