I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
