I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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