I'm so fucking centered right now
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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