mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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