girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
