forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
