About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
