I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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