hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
