I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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