Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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